03/21/10 12:28AM

Life seems to be getting exponentially better. Please pray for me. I feel like every time I get up, I get knocked down... most of the time, harder than before.
  • fullofgrace
    by fullofgrace at 03/21/10 12:58AM
  • chooselove
    gotta get everything knocked down sometimes so it's all level and God can start building all fresh and beautiful
    by chooselove at 03/21/10 3:01AM
  • caty
    That's a really good way of looking at it.
    by caty at 03/21/10 2:14PM

03/15/10 1:53PM

Life is wonderful!... for now... hormones are becoming my metaphorical pimp... They make me vulnerable and are never consistent... and they slap me around...

Slap a hoe... peace...
Caty
  • fullofgrace
    ho-mones...
    lol...
    by fullofgrace at 03/15/10 9:00PM
  • firebolt
    hormones are just annoying in general. I wish someone had told me they are crazy AFTER birth. So....I'll share that info with you now. lol. be prepared....:D
    by firebolt at 03/16/10 8:02PM
  • chooselove
    bahahaha!
    you so punny...
    by chooselove at 03/17/10 2:02AM
  • fullofgrace
    by fullofgrace at 03/20/10 1:09PM

Come in... to my mind...

at 03/12/10 7:20PM *
Throughout the history of Caty, there has been a general... overwhelming independence... Overwhelming to the point of annoyance.

"Two date Caty..." they called me... or they would have, could they have... I mean... they didn't, but it sums up how a lot of people felt about me...

During high school, I would date a guy for a week or so... and then break up, because they were tie-ing (that's right... I don't know how to spell that)... me down WAY too much. I just like the freedom of being... well... free...

During college, it was pretty much more of the same... I mean... I went on a few kinda dates with Nathan Caldwell... I was too lame to do anything, though... Immaturity ran amok... and I liked him, but nothing ever really happened...

The Philippines forced me to mature. I was more independent and dependent than I have ever been before. Being a lone American at site... and about an hour from another American... was difficult. I depended on myself more than ever before. BUT... when you're learning how to live in a different culture, you depend on the people in your village/town/whatever more than you've ever depended on anyone before. It was intense, and I came home 2 1/2 years later MUCH better for the experience.

Commitment to people... This is something I learned in the Philippines. You have to really commit to your relationships (romantic, friends, family) if you want to get anything out of them. Wow... So true... I just needed to learn how to differentiate myself from the person I was partaking in a relationship with, yet still connect.

Lately, the lines have become blurry between healthy relationships and having people become a part of my repitiore (I can't spell that word...). I feel like I'm letting others dictate whether or not I go running in the morning, whether or not I clean my house, whether or not I do pottery, whether or not I make time to journal, etc... I feel like I crave company...

Note: I've been having this dream that I have my baby, I'm alone in Chicago/a field/an island... and no one is there to help me with my baby... It's absolutely terrifying. Sometimes, the people in my life abandon me one-by-one... Sometimes, I just don't know anyone and so no one will help me... Sometimes, I'm just totally alone.

Note 2: I'm pregnant... Having a baby... No, I'm not married... I am having issues with hormone regulation, so I dare you to say something about how sinful it is. I will cut your heart out, with my sharp uncivilized words...

I feel like my life is very lonely, right now. I feel very alone with a very big responsibility. My family takes every opportunity to tell me that this situation "is not ideal" or "could have been prevented"... etc... I feel super alone, and super vulnerable. I'm not married, which I feel like would make things better. I'm not even "together" with the baby daddy, technically, because he needs more time to think about whether or not he wants to make things work with me. I feel like it all makes me too eager to attach myself to people who give me their time and presence. I am vulnerable and needy, right now.

So, I think I'm going to go on a silent retreat, if the frickin' monks at this Franciscan place ever call back. I just need some time to be with myself, and be present with myself in a loving and non-judgmental way. Be expressive of my thoughts and feelings, without putting a value on them. Interesting... Interesting indeed...
  • dixiechick
    I love you, Caty. I hate that it's been forever since we've hung out, even seen each other; but I am so glad to know you:) I really don't know what else to say, but I am here if you ever want to talk, vent, whatever.
    by dixiechick at 03/12/10 11:21PM
  • lilgagurl
    Caty! :) This is Leisa Brown--well, Pressnell now. I stumbled across your blog from another page. I'm not sure if you remember me from Helton Drive, but I just wanted to say "hey." It makes me sad that you feel so alone and after I read this post, I stopped and said a prayer for you. I know that God loves you and wants the best for you. You'll be a good mommy. Just keep your heart set on heaven. *hugs*
    by lilgagurl at 03/13/10 12:09AM
  • fullofgrace
    this is what your kid will be like:

    by fullofgrace at 03/13/10 1:40AM
  • spinningbee
    :: hugs ::

    This situation will make you stronger than you ever imagined anything could.
    by spinningbee at 03/13/10 12:57PM
  • goodemaqueda
    Caty you are NOT alone. If you ever say that again I will start stalking you! With my 3 kids in tow. HA! Really, let me know what you need. I am pretty much fully loaded with mommy gear, apparell, advice, horror stories, books, hormones, and believe it or not I have recieved enough well meaning shallow criticism to know how "helpful" it is.
    by goodemaqueda at 03/14/10 5:41PM
  • goodemaqueda
    By the way, in case you forgot - you are a beautiful, intellegent, humble, christian woman and we all make mistakes (sometimes they turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to us).
    by goodemaqueda at 03/14/10 5:44PM
  • denisemccaskill
    I love you, too!!
    by denisemccaskill at 03/15/10 3:27PM
  • spinningbee
    I love what Erin said. :) Listen to her!!
    by spinningbee at 03/16/10 1:15PM

02/22/10 12:10PM

*
It's 9:35am, and I'm walking home from Dunkin Donuts. I step in a puddle of slush, and jump on to dry ground. I stand on the curb, wondering when the wet slush will seep through the cloth of my shoes to my sock... dread... I feel a slight tingle... It's there... I feel the cold and wet feeling on my big toe... and then the one next to it... I sigh and silently think, "I could have jumped higher and avoided this..."

As I continue my walk, my mind wanders further into "I could have avoided other things this morning..." and then "I could have done better this week..." and then "I could have been better at life this year..." and as my mind spirals out of control, I catch it... like the fly spiraling around the room. Out of control and taking over your thoughts. I catch it... I hold it still, as I walk. I think about that feeling of needing to do better... I do not squish it... I am aware of it... I let myself be aware of how I got to think about my jump over the puddle as insufficient... and how that has led to further self-critique. I hold my feelings of incompetence, and then I let them go.

I then turn my thoughts to the inability of anyone to live perfectly. I think about the people I view as having it together the most, not to be confused with those I admire the most, and I contemplated the errors that they've made. Everything anyone does could be done more perfectly... differently... But the way we end up falling short tells us beautiful things about ourselves.

Example (HALIMBAWA!!!): I often don't finish my paperwork at my internship on time. I beat myself up a lot about this. I could be better with my paperwork. I could be more on top of it. But when I think about what I choose to put my energy into, instead of the paperwork, I realize something very beautiful about who I am. I choose to see my clients more often, and spend less time on paperwork. I choose to spend time genuinely engaging with my coworkers in meaningful conversations about my clients. I choose to take things a little bit slower, post Philippines, and really enjoy moments. This reflects my innermost desire to become more peaceful and balanced in my mind and living. This desire to be balanced and more diligent directly butts heads with the desire to finish my paperwork on time...

I forfeit timeliness unconsciously, because it's something that 1) is a common problem with my coworkers (as there really aren't enough hours in the day to do everything demanded of us) and 2) is not worth losing valuable person-to-person time for. When I bring these unconscious decisions to the forefront of my consciousness, I'm able to better appreciate myself and my way of living. I am a valuable person who is competent at living. I have no reason to feel bad about myself... and if I do, I have got to stop myself from feeling worse about feeling bad (the downward spiral)... I've just gotta sit with those feelings of incompetence, and realize that everyone feels incompetent sometimes.

Y'all hear me?
  • heatherbrackeen
    Sounds like that DBT is helping you be mindful and calm and zen-like. I love you bunches! I feel super useless sometimes, often really, especially unemployed and in debt. Thanks for the reminder to be still in the moment. Greg says its about justification and sanctification--acceptance and growth.
    by heatherbrackeen at 02/22/10 5:46PM
  • fullofgrace
    i love you!!!!!!!
    by fullofgrace at 02/23/10 4:05PM
  • autatalicious
    i hear you.
    by autatalicious at 02/28/10 10:22PM
  • caty
    no, i'm not! i love that katie, but alas... i'm caty with a "c". :-) i'm lovable too, though!!! i will be your friend!
    by caty at 03/10/10 2:17PM
  • spinningbee
    yes ♥
    by spinningbee at 03/10/10 5:51PM
  • chooselove
    :)
    by chooselove at 03/11/10 1:17AM

02/15/10 11:11AM

I have been thinking abt how grateful I am for my relationships I formed in the Philippines. I became very close to people who I would, normally, never be close to. It reminds me how many similarities there are past surface similarities.

I sat at a breakfast table, in Denver Colorado, with two people who could not be more surfacely different than myself. Sherry is very outdoorsy, never owned a hairdryer or mascara in her life... I'm assuming. Alex, a total hipster who is entrenched in all of the latest styles and trends. He wears skinny jeans and a fadora (I didn't even know what one was, until he showed me)... and then there's myself... I'm very bubbly and a little clueless abt trends, but very particular abt how I present myself. I enjoy these people more than I do anyone else. We are like family. Kelly, the energetic spin teacher, Suzie, the hippie who wants to get into federal policy writing, Page, the geeky engineer who does extreme ironing, Keith, the zenned out Buddhist, Alice, the 60+ retired cosmotologist who helps her daughter train for Iron Man annually... and the list goes on and on...

These people are all so very different on the surface. We all clique. We all have very family like group dynamics... we always find ourselves back in a "role" when we get together. We share this unique love of eachother and people and life. I think that whatever it is that made us get through Peace Corps life in the Philippines bonds us... I can't define or bottle it, so that others can experience it without expriencing it first hand.

but it's wonderful... beyond words.