http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob recent pleonast.com entries by user fatlazyslob en-us http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=602834 One thing from Don's lesson yesterday morning really struck me. And it was probably the wrong thing, but whatever: "...We are awakened every morning by something called an ALARM clock. Do you ever think about that? We are not awakened every morning by an opportunity clock. And we are not awakened in the morning by a gently-awaken-face-the-prospects-of-a-bright-new-day clock..." I laughed through my tears. Imagine, if you will, sleeping the sleep of angels in the early hours in the morning, when someone bursts into your room and stands over you screaming "HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY..." You'd jolt upright, arms flailing, twisted in the sheets, yelling through your slobber, "WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?!" And the person smiles and says genially, "I just wanted to make sure you were awake." I have a machine that does that. I gave a guy some money several years ago so I could have that machine. I think I need to pause and consider. By the way... 2008-11-24 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=579458 So we're doing what now? Tag yourself if you feel like doing this. Yeah, I'm another chain breaker; boo on me. During my medical adventures as a teenager, the doctors told me I had grown my own heart bypass. Even though I have the same birthday as Joseph Stalin and Phil Donahue, the three of us have never met. I hold 2 U.S. patents for denormalized database optimization through pre-clustering. As a kid, I once wired up a Radio Shack electronics kit to make a rudimentary AM radio transmitter, using the speaker as a sort of reverse-inductance microphone (you had to yell into the speaker). Being powered by 6 AA batteries, the signal didn't even get outside my bedroom, but it did work. Sounds really smart, but I was following a recipe and learned practically nothing from the experience. It was still cool, though. I don't have a fear of heights, but I have a weird higher-than-normal anxiety about dropping small objects from heights. Wristwatches, cameras, babies, etc. ... 2008-09-24 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=564066 The former rant I made, O Telephonus, of all the dumb things The Company made me say and do, like the time they quietly installed an energy-saving policy on my office computer that makes it hibernate after half an hour of inactivity, also rendering it unreachable when I try to connect from home. I had to put a torch to a quart of perfectly good 87-octane to drive into the office, move the mouse three-tenths of an inch to wake it up, and get the file I needed. WTG, guys. These green policy stunts are going to destroy the earth. This was going to be another whiny carp session about the job. I wouldn't have blamed you for skipping it, nor the previous one. Not at all. I was fully prepared to launch forth with such scAAAthing invective if our worst-case scenario had been realized, the one that we were dreading all summer. (We finally avoided it at virtually the last second.) But during the months-long process, I slowly got tired of being mad, even if I had reason to be. So I figu... 2008-08-18 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=549727 "Like your job?" More and more lately I've been gripped with apprehension at the up-inflecting tones of that question fragment. The fastest way to eject from that marvelous piece of polite small talk is to give the big twinkling Vaseline smile and say, "Oh, yeah." I just can't do it anymore. Honesty constrains me instead to take a deep breath, wait a 3-count, and say, "Well, yeah..." in a tone that sounds as if I'm struggling to find ways to compliment a friend's awful cooking. And it's true, because the office is practically around the corner from me. I can work from home if necessary, or even wanted. I've created a pocket of security for myself so that it would be painful for them to axe me. The money is good; there's not tons of it, but there's more than enough for me. And the hours -- oh, the hours -- are conducive to my terrible night owl habits. But it's SO DULL. And it's dull because I'm dull. I haven't stayed up with the new technology ... 2008-07-12 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=537040 Historians were shocked this week to learn of the uncovering of an alternate ending to the famed Bayeux Tapestry, the 230-foot long embroidery chronicling the events surrounding the Battle of Hastings, the contest for the throne of England between Harold Godwinson, Earl of Wessex and William, Duke of Normandy after the death of Edward the Confessor. A sampling of the new panels follows: The Latin titles read, "Here is Harold, king of England". This scene has so far befuddled scholars. Speaking to the sailors, the axeman in the lower right "says boats are for the sea, not the forest". Why there were sailing ships in the middle of a forest with men in them is anyone's guess. What may be of particular popular as well as scientific interest is the early attempts at a Saxonic space program. "Going into the large ship to the moon." From left to right, the figures are identified as Bishop Sparky, an astronaut and his dog, and "some other guy&qu... 2008-06-08 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=510196 In a world saturated with pressing responsibilities and brilliant opportunities, the wise and discerning person will seek out ways to trim the fat away from life. Well, for years I have been recognized as an authority on suppressing the extraneous distraction of relationships and dating, having cleverly let dozens of girls pass right through my hands without a flinch. Now I want to share my secrets with you. You too can lead a life of peace and mind-numbing tranquility by implementing just a few of these tips in your life. It's easy and trouble-free! Just be ready to do something with all the time and money you'll save. (Obviously, this is being written from, and toward, a male perspective. If there's demand for a female-targetted article, such will be happily provided. In the meantime, try her. Don't forget to slam your hand in a door first.) Remember: The single life is a blessing. Everybody says so. I mean, come on. Please don't think it's not true because the vast ma... 2008-03-28 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=463125 Not long ago while leafing through chica's latest entry, I espied a photo that changed my life. I looked at it and I was staggered by it. I became despondent; I wandered the streets for hours in a daze, stopping complete strangers and telling them about it. Here it is, posted by zanne in loving memory of her dear brother's sanity: WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE DOING?? Cutting an outdoor rug? Stomping cockroaches? Was this picture taken just as he was landing with an invisible parachute? No witnesses have come forward to reveal the events of that baleful day, although one reader (me) suggested that we might be seeing the roots of a more sinister connection: I couldn't get this photo out of my mind. It just seemed too surreal, too perceptually disjointed, like something out of a Ray Bradbury dystopia or a Baja chalupa-induced fever dream. I began a professional analysis and slowly came to the conclusion that the image was not real at all, but was digitally edited, "Photoshopp... 2007-11-28 http://www.pleonast.com/user/fatlazyslob?l=5&entryID=461605 True to form, I have nothing to say. And yet, I said it anyway. Maybe you feel the same way sometimes. 2007-11-24