So we're doing what now?

Tag yourself if you feel like doing this. Yeah, I'm another chain breaker; boo on me.

1. During my medical adventures as a teenager, the doctors told me I had grown my own heart bypass.
2. Even though I have the same birthday as Joseph Stalin and Phil Donahue, the three of us have never met.
3. I hold 2 U.S. patents for denormalized database optimization through pre-clustering.
4. As a kid, I once wired up a Radio Shack electronics kit to make a rudimentary AM radio transmitter, using the speaker as a sort of reverse-inductance microphone (you had to yell into the speaker). Being powered by 6 AA batteries, the signal didn't even get outside my bedroom, but it did work. Sounds really smart, but I was following a recipe and learned practically nothing from the experience. It was still cool, though.
5. I don't have a fear of heights, but I have a weird higher-than-normal anxiety about dropping small objects from heights. Wristwatches, cameras, babies, etc.
6. I haven't been to the movies in about six years. It's not out of spite or circumstances. I just don't care.
7. The only vegetable I truly hate, in all of its diabolical forms, is the onion.
8. 98% of the time when I put on some music to get my blood pumping, it's classical, especially something from the Baroque period or the late Romantics.
9. I can make fairly convincing "poo" sounds with my two bare hands. I have yet to use this power for evil.
10. I guess nobody knows this one yet -- in 2002, I had a semi-serious phone & internet relationship with a girl named Marla that developed to the point where I took some vacation time to go see her. I drove for four days up to Billings, Montana (Sept. 11 was still kind of fresh, didn't want to hassle w/flying) but when I arrived, her apartment was empty and the neighbors said she had moved out three weeks ago. I never heard from her again.
11. Coke, not Pepsi. Letterman, not Leno. Mary Ann, not Ginger. Vanilla, not chocolate.

SPOILER EDIT - Highlight the text in the parentheses if you demand answers: (#3, #7 and #10 are bunk. I love onions.)

The former rant I made, O Telephonus, of all the dumb things The Company made me say and do, like the time they quietly installed an energy-saving policy on my office computer that makes it hibernate after half an hour of inactivity, also rendering it unreachable when I try to connect from home. I had to put a torch to a quart of perfectly good 87-octane to drive into the office, move the mouse three-tenths of an inch to wake it up, and get the file I needed. WTG, guys. These green policy stunts are going to destroy the earth.

This was going to be another whiny carp session about the job. I wouldn't have blamed you for skipping it, nor the previous one. Not at all. I was fully prepared to launch forth with such scAAAthing invective if our worst-case scenario had been realized, the one that we were dreading all summer. (We finally avoided it at virtually the last second.) But during the months-long process, I slowly got tired of being mad, even if I had reason to be. So I figured that other people would probably be tired of my being mad, too.

Then I thought, "Well, perhaps I can still salvage the situation by relating the events of our recent labor crisis in a humorous and engaging manner." (Do I think in well-structured magazine-quality English sentences? Actually with my jumbled brain the words were probably: "maybe it to funny i tell good at it chicken sandwich".) But that didn't even work. After I read what I had started to write, it wasn't even funny to me. This whole circumstance on top of the regular work circumstances was so mind-suckingly demotivating that I actually lost the power to JOKE about it properly.

That's bad. And it would have made for a bad post. So I pitched the whole thing into the garbage. All the attendant little anecdotes about gigantic burritos, pay phones in Harlem, illegal drugs used as potting mulch, and endless gallons and gallons of swampy sweat and the places it went to... all of these stories and more will have to wait.

So! -clap- Instead, here's a tribute to the internationalistic nationalistic spirit of the 798^th Olympiadic Summer Games Contest Time. Children of the world show pride in their native countries by rooting on their teams with signs made in SECRET NINJA CODE. Brought to you by Quaker Oats and Cap'n Crunch. Yeeeees, Cap'n Crunch: Crunchatize ME, Cap'n.

My favorite is the cross-eyed girl on the bottom. Frankly, I don't even know why we need flags anymore with smart rebuses like these.

...I just can't stop looking at that girl. I wish I could put her and her sign on a tee shirt and sell them in Japan. They'd probably dig it. Unlike the stuffy humorless people of Fr+ANTS.

It's no concern of yours how it was that I came into possession of a box of Cap'n Crunch, and you ought to stop wondering.

"Like your job?"

More and more lately I've been gripped with apprehension at the up-inflecting tones of that question fragment.

The fastest way to eject from that marvelous piece of polite small talk is to give the big twinkling Vaseline smile and say, "Oh, yeah." I just can't do it anymore. Honesty constrains me instead to take a deep breath, wait a 3-count, and say, "Well, yeah..." in a tone that sounds as if I'm struggling to find ways to compliment a friend's awful cooking. And it's true, because the office is practically around the corner from me. I can work from home if necessary, or even wanted. I've created a pocket of security for myself so that it would be painful for them to axe me. The money is good; there's not tons of it, but there's more than enough for me. And the hours -- oh, the hours -- are conducive to my terrible night owl habits.

But it's SO DULL. And it's dull because I'm dull. I haven't stayed up with the new technology because there are just enough hours and neurons in the day to keep the old technology from sparking up and exploding. I used to develop new code, which is what my brain is wired for. Now I spend more time than that filling out business cases that nobody reads, making up (I mean, "forecasting") 1-year future usage statistics, etc. etc. etc. I often wonder if I could qualify for another job if I needed to.

I used to work with a guy who himself formerly had a boss of Japanese extraction, and my friend would go home to his wife and tell her about how the "samurai" was doing. On some days, the sword was like THIS (raised overhead in a conquering pre-strike) and on other days the sword was like THIS (turned inward to the gut).

The past couple of months have been real hari kari caliber for me.

One thing I've discovered about myself is that if the earth were to inexplicably slow down so that the day were 36 hours long, I think I'd be able to adjust. I'd miss the people who were suddenly flung out into space, but the main point is that I have slowly been conditioned NOT TO SLEEP for extended periods of time. This is then followed by periods where I will invariably SLEEP A WHOLE LOT. The face of the sun is a novelty to me. My first task when waking up is to determine, "Okay...this AM or PM?" I eat steak florentine at 4 in the morning and Cap'n Crunch in the afternoon. My boss talks more to my answering machine than he does to me, because during this sweet nappy time of mine, he's figured out that if he just tapes down the "Redial" button there's a chance he'll get an answer by the 900th ring: a snort of the phlegm and a scratchy "...'Lo?" [See future article, "I still do not have, nor desire, a stinkin' cell."]

I was so sleep deprived while driving home one recent Sunday evening that I started singing Elvis' Greatest Hits as performed by Count Dracula. "Vee can't go on togedder, veeth soospeecious miiiinds..." For the record, it sounded pretty good. I don't remember anything after that. The car is currently in the garage (instead of, say, the living room) so I guess everything turned out okay.

So you see, I kinda like this job that I hate. It's a great situation for me that pulls and folds my metabolism like taffy. And I'll probably stick with it for a good while longer because I'm too much wuss by volume to look for something else. Aren't I interesting? Aren't you absorbed by all of this carpish whining that ignores the greater blessings in life?

But then there's the upcoming IBEW/CWA strike. That's a whole 'nother can of sardines. Guess which unskilled goober gets to go scab for that?

More to come, maybe.

Historians were shocked this week to learn of the uncovering of an alternate ending to the famed Bayeux Tapestry, the 230-foot long embroidery chronicling the events surrounding the Battle of Hastings, the contest for the throne of England between Harold Godwinson, Earl of Wessex and William, Duke of Normandy after the death of Edward the Confessor.

A sampling of the new panels follows:

The Latin titles read, "Here is Harold, king of England".


This scene has so far befuddled scholars. Speaking to the sailors, the axeman in the lower right "says boats are for the sea, not the forest". Why there were sailing ships in the middle of a forest with men in them is anyone's guess.


What may be of particular popular as well as scientific interest is the early attempts at a Saxonic space program. "Going into the large ship to the moon." From left to right, the figures are identified as Bishop Sparky, an astronaut and his dog, and "some other guy".


A familiar scene. "These [men] marvel at the star," formerly identified as Halley's Comet.


Oh crud.


The spacecraft seen in the last panel make their landing and the invasion of England begins, though not the way we remember it.


(Silliness started here)

In a world saturated with pressing responsibilities and brilliant opportunities, the wise and discerning person will seek out ways to trim the fat away from life. Well, for years I have been recognized as an authority on suppressing the extraneous distraction of relationships and dating, having cleverly let dozens of girls pass right through my hands without a flinch. Now I want to share my secrets with you. You too can lead a life of peace and mind-numbing tranquility by implementing just a few of these tips in your life. It's easy and trouble-free! Just be ready to do something with all the time and money you'll save.

(Obviously, this is being written from, and toward, a male perspective. If there's demand for a female-targetted article, such will be happily provided. In the meantime, try her. Don't forget to slam your hand in a door first.)

1. Remember: The single life is a blessing.

   Everybody says so. I mean, come on. Please don't think it's not true because the vast majority of God-fearing folks run in the opposite direction to marriage. They're just ducking out from The Real Adventure. Think of all the car trips and diapers and extra insurance and TV fights and money fights and vacation fights etc. that the marrieds saddle themselves with. Where's the overwhelming benefit? What could ever possibly make up for all of that? In the meantime, you have complete control over what toppings go on your frozen pizza, what hour of the morning you finally slump into bed, how funny your daily anecdotes rate, and so on. How marvelous it is to be as free as a bird! A lone eagle in the desert, swooping over miles and miles of trackless wilderness ... how very stoic.

2. Keep your eyes on the future.

   Definitely not the present. It's hard to imagine new and exciting possibilities for the present, because the present is like already here and stuff. Instead, visualize yourself in a few years where you might want to be: successful, healthier, wiser, better-looking, with a family and a big house and a cool car. Never give up that dream, that wonderful dream where things are perfect. Stay fixated on it. Keep dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. If you can do that, then you can forestall actually realizing that dream indefinitely. Bringing that idealized future into the present would just ruin it, because as you recall, the present is that place where everything is crud.

   So don't rush into anything. See if the course plotted before you will result in that perfect future that you really want, and hold out for something better if it won't. Look before you plunge -- it's all right to stand at the top of the cliff and look down on the ocean, and imagine the rush and the thrill of it all, and contemplate the dangers and how to avoid them, and keep looking and thinking until the end of the day comes, when you toss the towel over your shoulder, turn around and say, "Maybe tomorrow." This is the peace of mind that comes from never ever making a mistake.

3. Be cool; be aloof.

   The newest, best virtue that our society prescribes is "Moderation in all things". The attribute of being extreme is now relegated to only being acceptable in snowboarding and soda. Therefore, moderate your behavior. If a girl hints at some interest in you, don't fall for the temptation to react by sweeping her off her feet, no matter how easy of a job it might seem to be. Just smile genially and be vaguely friendly. Anything else would be clumsy and over the top. Chances are good that you're misinterpreting her signals anyway. For example, she might be just teasing you, or she might be insane. There's no real need to put on a gratuitous romantic display as if it's going to impress anyone. Leave that kind of stuff to Hollywood.

4. Pedestals are important.

   Part of honoring the fairer sex is to suspend her and exclude her from the hard, gritty, loud, ungainly and filthy world of men. Primarily that means keeping her a safe distance away from you. That's your contribution, so do your part. Don't bother and harass her with inane conversation just because you find her attractive or charming or whatever. That's a typical selfish male impulse that she doesn't necessarily have time for. Concentrate instead on making an effort to move up and meet her at her own level, the level you have constructed for her. Sure, you may imagine that you're falling in love, but "love" is an action word, so find ways in which you can improve her life more than anyone else can. If there is a single man left on earth with whom she would have a better life than she would with you, the deal's off. Why burden her with something second-rate and beneath her dignity? Do your duty as a man; be a help who is suitable for her. (I think that's how it goes.)

5. Be yourself!

   Chances are good that if you have the temperament to lead a solitary life, your personality will bear that out and help you. Don't cover it up! Don't try to "improve" yourself or be someone you're not in order to get the girl, only years later to go back to the uninteresting couch potato you used to be. It's deceptive and rude, and few things annoy more new wives. Don't apologize to the world for being bland, self-absorbed, dispassionate, hyper-opinionated, unsocial, critical, or complacent. Those are the things that form your identity and make you who you are. And who you are is worth more to you than anything. ANYTHING.

6. Develop time-consuming goals, careers, hobbies, etc.

   Life is full of opportunities for personal fulfillment, and to prove yourself as an advanced human being you need to pursue as many of them as possible. Downtime is wasted time. If you're successful in school, you need to stay in school as long as possible to get that degree, and then another, and maybe another. And you can always go back. If you like your job, then 80 hours a week, nights and weekends, conference trips, delayed vacations, and the occasional pint of blood shouldn't be too much to ask for a shot at advancement. If you're into golf or travel, get gung-ho about it and blow copious amounts of cash every weekend to enjoy it to the fullest. Just fill in the blanks for your own pastimes.

   When you fill your life with these things and surround yourself with other people of similar interests who also can't spare time to spend on other people, you'll find yourself quickly building thin-blooded friendships and relationships that are based on objects and shared likes, which are great because there's hardly any worry about interpersonal conflict or maintenance of any kind. Nor will you have to deal with those people outside of that particular pocket of your life. You can always leave them behind at the end of the day on warm friendly terms, which is incredibly convenient for someone as busy as you are.

7. Flirt constantly.

   But only for two or three minutes at a time. This will soothe the inner urge to connect with the opposite gender, and will also lull your ego into a state of satisfaction in the knowledge that there (supposedly) are attractive women out there who think of you "that way". Do not, however, allow any words of substance or true feeling to creep into your conversation, or she'll eventually start to wonder why you haven't asked her out yet. Brevity and insipidity are the keys here. If you need help in this area, practice flirting on the internet where it's much easier to maintain that unseen emotional gap between the two of you.

8. Don't become a "catch".

   In modern social circles, the primary way in which we are introduced to other people, after our names, is our profession. Therefore, in groups where our reputations get circulated around, our profession is often the first available method that women have to get a fix on our personalities. When combined with the more obvious clues of earning power (financial security) and domestic power (social rank), our jobs signal more to women than we realize -- sometimes more than they themselves realize. Everything else is subsequent and qualifies that first impression for years to come (e.g. "He's a doctor, but he's a jerk.").

   You never want to draw unnecessary attention to yourself. With everything we know about what our occupation means to women, it becomes pretty self-evident that to remain single, it helps to only develop skills and talents and only pursue jobs and careers that women don't care about. This isn't just a measure of dollars; remember that we're looking at personality markers and emotional appeals. If possible, avoid jobs that revolve around either 1) concepts of masculinity that women admire, or 2) concepts of femininity approached in a strong masculine aspect. Home construction is terrible, since it has attributes of both: the archetype of a laborer-builder male combined with the concern of a new home (read, "nest" or "hearth"). Other lines of work to avoid include landscaping, architecture, graphic design, piloting, culinary arts, and law enforcement. More acceptable alternatives include sales, computers & technology, accounting, editorial journalism, and sports. Note certain fine distinctions like car sales, which is okay, and car repair, which isn't.

   This principle extends to hobbies and personal interests. If you can build a garage, compose original music, or like to jog, you might as well get married now. If on the other hand you're a stone cold Star Wars fanatic, can build and fix your own computer, or collect anything, you're in position to enjoy the single life for a long time to come.

9. Don't get set up.

   Blind dates are a scam. That's all there is to it. If you wouldn't take your friend's unsolicited advice about what city to live in or what color underwear to buy, why would you give away the chance to guide the most intimate part of your lifelong destiny? For the mutual ego pump? So you can feel your own eligibility rating rising, while your friend can get to play Love Angel? How hollow.

   That goes triple for dating websites and other services. You are promised that these things are populated with loads of people who are "just like you". Remember that as you sit there on your dead rear end late on a Thursday night in your shorts with a mustard splotch on your cheek that you haven't detected yet, with your jacket in a pile in the hallway and a cockroach legs-up next to your toilet. Just like you. Why do you think these sites exist? That's right -- to herd people like us all together in a convenient corner.

   Don't let the breeders get to you. Don't be corralled. Be a free-range steer.