here's a hard truth that i have found difficult to accept:
the toughest moments of my life have resulted in the most direct and visible spiritual growth i have experienced.
i think that i labored under a misconception....no, let me be honest....i believe that Satan successfully misled me (and still does on a regular basis, but hopefully less often) regarding the meaning of pain.
i believed for a long time that pain meant there was something wrong. because that was my premise, i always tried to avoid and escape pain as often as possible. it became the "ultimate evil" in my mind and i found that most of the decisions i made were specifically for the purpose of avoiding some type of pain.....the pain of loneliness, the pain of looking stupid, the pain of facing the consequences of my poor decisions....anything that hurt was "bad" and my tolerance for enduring pain was non-existent...
at some point i realized that my perceptions were incorrect. instead of pain meaning that there was something wrong (solely), it began to mean that there was something to learn.
this is an interesting phenomenon, our ability to attribute new and different meanings to incoming information, in essence, to LEARN from our experiences and to rearrange our value systems, thereby achieving profound effect on our daily approach to life. unfortunately, i believe it is widely under appreciated and an advantage we are not employing to its full potential.
the paradigm shift happened in my mind when it occurred to me that there were things worse than pain, namely dishonor and deceit. granted, these terms can be somewhat flexible for some individuals, but i found that the more contact i had with these two entities, the more both my definition and my dislike for them solidified.
it was a hard truth for me to accept, that i would have to face my fear of pain before i could change the way that i made decisions every day, but ultimately, i was more afraid of not being able to look at myself in the mirror of my relationships than i was of a little mental and emotional torture...
when i made up my mind to try to be a person who could endure suffering and learn from it, instead of running away and drowning my fear in excuses and avoidances, i thought the sky had opened up to dump every possible learning opportunity available to humanity directly onto my head....i was deluged by chances to practice my new life philosophy...so the first thing i learned was not to ask God for something unless i was really sure that was what i wanted...*laugh*...
i didn't do so great initially, and had to learn to accept the pain of not "getting some things as easily" as i am accustomed to at times....gotta love how God always manages to slip in a little humility with every blessing He sends our way...i barely managed to scrape through just grasping the ability to recognize trials as opportunities to grow spiritually, even though i wasn't managing to do much about it...but that was progress...
true, sometimes i have flashes of what appears to me to be brilliant insight, but most of the real work....like....actual improvement that is observable in my daily life....occurs in painful, grueling inches....
like my marriage.
i thought that because i had a master's degree in mental health and relationships, and a little life experience, managing myself in a marriage with a low drama producer wasn't going to be that strenuous....sadly, i underestimated my ability to cope with my own anxiety, impatience, and fear which resulted in me missing many opportunities for growth during the first year of my marriage...or maybe i just forgot that i produce enough drama for several marriages so i more than make up for brian's laid back personality....*laugh*....
because my relationship with brian was bringing to the surface every issue i ever had, i was finding myself in full on avoidance mode, and second-guessing my decision to get married....(lol...that's another amazing human trait...the ability to blame the situation for our reactions to it)...once i was able to step back and think a little more clearly, i realized my suffering was so intense because i was resisting a few truths about life and about myself, and that God was blessing me with innumerable chances to learn a great deal about who i was and who He was and what this whole faith thing was really about.
i would love to say that i learned all those deep, spiritual truths once, and never had to learn them again, but the reality is my memory is short and i find myself presented with many opportunities to revisit such lessons daily...the upside is that, even though i need constant refreshers, each new reminder is just a little bit less painful, because the ideas that God loves me and it's all about how great He is and not at all about how imperfect i am, are becoming a little easier to remember and believe each time i get over myself and remember to focus on God.
even though i don't like pain anymore than i ever did, i am appreciating how God is replacing my spirit of fear with a spirit of power, and love, and a sound mind...
i just wish i could speed up my end of the process....*laugh*...
thank u for the prayers!! and what an awesome blog... we grow so much when we go through rough times... tribulation works patience, patience character, character something good i can't remember... ;D i love u!
Me and ny wife are total opposites is some respects. She is the Dynamo and I'm the laid back husband. What we have found out over the years (29 of them) is that our personalities compliment each other. What I cannot bring to the family because of my slow going outlook on life, she is able to fill the void with her over abundant energy. And likewise because I am not as energetic as she is, I am able to slow her life down when needed and provide the relaxing atmosphere that all families need. All in all, our life together over the years has been great. We cannot see life without each other. Arguments have been very few and none serious. And these usually happens when the world places unjust demands on our time and we find ourselves servants of others and not each other.
Love brought us together. Serving each other has brought us happiness.
lol!...brian and i are great...i didn't mean for this post to sound as melodramatic as it probably does...all my references to "pain and suffering" are really meant to be about my individual relationship with God...talking about my marriage was just an example of how my perspective on things directly affects my relationships with other people...
Good stuff, PJ. I've been knocked about lately by some of the truths I prayed for too! And related to your lesson about pain, it's been good to hear James (the Bible author) tell us to "count it all joy" when we suffer trials, because we gain so much through pain. Pain is often (usually?) the tool of redemption. And I like redemption.
I just wanted to drop by and wish you a happy day, since my adversary Mr. Gore clearly doesn't care about you. I wouldn't think of neglecting my most gracious supporter.
I was kind of nervous about going to see the exhibit - I've heard mixed reviews! I'm glad you enjoyed it - that makes me feel better about going! I only wish I could take my camera...
You'll be learning those lessons all your life, my dear. That's not altogether a bad thing, either - how would you feel if you were perfected by the time you were 30? There is a great deal of exhilaration in discovering at 58 that you can still grow in so many different ways, and so far!
If you thing getting married surfaces your imperfections (and it does), wait until you start having children! Talk about opportunities for personal growth!
You're right, though; it's all good, even the pain. Life is like a gem tumbler - you go in as a really rough stone, and it takes interminable grinding before you exit as a beautifully polished stone, fit for God. Without the abrasives, it wouldn't happen.
you are right. there is no growth without a measure of pain and often times sacrifice. When we have to make a decision and we are afraid , we come out stronger if we choose what we know to be the right decision. Suffering is only for a time.
i'm not quite done with my office. i'm still waiting on my desk to be delivered and am attempting to arrange transportation for a tall bookshelf as it won't fit in either my car or brian's.
my chris donovan canvases, my diplomas, and sundry other wall things are still on the floor behind my chair, waiting for the rest of the furniture to arrive before i decide where everything is going to live. i'm feeling impatient to get my art up, but i know that if i don't wait until all of the big pieces of furniture are in their final positions, then i will move things three or four times, and i just don't want to caulk that many nail holes...
it will be at least the end of the week before i'm done, and possibly not until i return from San Antonio, so i am posting this "peek" for the handful of people who i have been talking to about color schemes and rugs, because it just seemed cruel to make them wait for another three weeks...you know who you are...*laugh*...
when i get it all done i will post more detailed pictures so you can see what i've been nattering on about during our phone conversations....
i think i will throw in some "before" shots as well so you can appreciate the depth of my gratitude for the opportunity to redo a few things...
You should see my office. Being a maintenance planner and scheduler for CPChem, I have spare parts on the floor and book cases. Two huge white boards and a calender on the wall. Real nice decorating!
i really do like it. that's one of those rugs that you can just stare at for long time. it looks kind of like a solar system. and yes. i hate olympic judges.
so...mike was cool...and stuff...
breaking records and winning medals and whatnot...
8 for 8 in '08...
but did anyone notice constantina tomescu dita from romania completely dominate the women's marathon?
at 38 years old, she was the second oldest female competitor in the field, with a habit of breaking out in front which has yielded her mixed results in the past.
but she ran this 26 mile race in her typical style, pulling out in front of the lead pack a little before halfway though and creating a gap of almost a full minute which she proceeded to maintain until she won.
they couldn't catch her.
she took a massive risk, and it payed off.
talk about leaving everyone in the dust.
it was unbelievable.
ok.
now i'm going to watch the lightning bolt crush the competition.
these olympics have been pretty entertaining thus far. i think my training for 2012 will be for trampoline. how awesome would it be to say, yeah, i'm an olympic trampolinist...
I was wondering. I heard you talking to some guy, then the phone went silent and I figured you set the phone down. But after I didn't hear anything for a bit I hung up. I was pondering if I needed to call 911 because some guy jumped you and tossed the phone away or something. If you had told me you were on Nebraska Ave, I probably would've.
I bet that it is the cooling fan which could solve the A/C problem as well. The exact same thing happened to my Ion a month ago. A/C wasn't very good and then a couple days later I was sitting with the car running and noticed it was overheating. The fan would barely turn on and was weak. New fan fixed everything.
So far I've survived traveling alright. I traveled back and forth from Germany to NYC once (going there I didn't know I was pregnant, coming back I did!). It wasn't the easiest trip because I had to go to the bathroom quite a bit and it was hard getting comfortable.
However, now that I have a bit of experience, I think I kind of know what to expect. I'm mostly concerned now how my cat is going to handle the trip!
