I know that things will be alright. I have faith in my God and trust that things have a purpose even if I don't know what it is. I am grateful that my unborn child is in heaven, there is no better place to be. I hope I see that child one day. I know that I have people who love me, and a wonderful child who does as well and am eternally grateful for them. I know too that right now I am sad, bitter, angry, disappointed, so many different things. They are things I need to feel and let go of in my own time and on my own terms. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make the hurt go away. People just being there, stopping by or calling to say "hi" and "I'm thinking of you." I don't really want to talk about it, details, but it does help when those that I am close to make the effort to let me know they care. It has hurt that certain have not. I know I'm being selfish right now, but I don't care. I don't really expect the world to stop just because it feels like mine has, but it is surreal when it doesn't. Surreal. Everything is surreal, bittersweet. Everything. I hate everyone and everything, but not really. Not really at all. I'd like to go through the rest of my life and never feel the pain of loss again, but most likely I will. Surreal. So many contradictory feelings floating around in my brain right now. I am at peace one minute and angry the next. I guess it's just like any other disappointment in life, you have to wake up every day or think every time the feeling resurfaces- it is what it is and I can't change it, all I can do is accept it and make peace with it. I definitely don't begrudge anyone else the good things in their lives, I'm not envious. I wish no one ever had to feel this pain. I never knew losing a baby could feel this horrible. I am sure that as time goes on and Lord willing our family does grow most of this pain will have faded and been forgotten. Right now though it's here and it stinks.
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1. I am a neat freak, obsessed with organization and cleanliness and a busy body. I feel worthless if I'm not doing something constructive. Getting better though, it's impossible to be too neurotic with a child.
2. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom, it's my dream job and I'm very grateful for it.
3. I grew up on a farm and lived out in the middle of nowhere and then grew up and married a city boy. I'll really miss being out in the country. One of these days I'll convince him to move out a little further.
4. I am an animal lover and am very tender hearted about my pets. I don't put them above humans, obviously, but I hate to see them mistreated in the slightest. I would have a whole herd if I live out on a farm.
5. My hubby and I used to go to the movies every weekend, that's what we did for fun. Then we figured out that most movies are trash and not fit to be seen at least not in the theaters unedited. Now we never go to the movies, unless it's a sqeaky clean g-rated kiddie flick. I don't miss the trash, but I do miss the act of going out on dates so often; I sure wish they made more clean films.
6. I absolutley love Italy and all things Italian and I'd love to visit there every year.
7. I love to learn about anything. I'd love to learn several different languages and how to sew sufficiently, something I will do someday. I'd have a doctorate by now if I hadn't met my husband.
8. I hate it when people smack gum, food, anything in their mouth- it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. I also hate it when something, someone taps anything repetetively, like the constant clicking of the mouse when my husband plays video games. It drives me nuts; I know I'm cooky.
Not sure this is really interesting, but it's late and I'm tired.
I can't relate to #1, but you knew that since you had to live with me for what? 3 years? Also the same for #2, 4, 5, and 7. I am a self-proclaimed expert at so many random subjects.
Oh Hilary...I wish I COULD make it go away. You are right -- you WILL work through it all in your own time and the Lord will sustain you though you won't always feel it or realize it. I am certainly no expert on anything but if you need an ear, I have two really good ones. Can I call you this week?
John told me last night that he will be home all day today (Monday). Would you like me to stop by and pick just you up for a lunch out? Can John keep Luca for a little while? Or would it be better another day?
Sorry if I made anyone feel guilty, not my intent. I just had to get all that out or it would sit and fester inside me. I feel a lot better after that actually. Thanks for listening, understanding.
Hey Girl! It was wonderful to see you today. How come I've never noticed what an absolute joy Luca is? I guess I haven't made enough effort. I enjoyed being with all of you today. You take care of yourself and allow the healing process to do its work. You are in my prayers.
My friend Braden is not doing very well. He has an infection in his leg with the open wound. There is a section of his leg without any skin. He has been running a fever since Thursday. They are having to constanly clean it out. I think they will be putting in a port to help. We are praying that his leg doesn't have to end up being amputated after all this. I ask for your continued prayers. Thank you to all of you for doing so.
I went to see Braden and his parents today. He is still pretty bad, and they are still unsure that they'll be able to save his leg. His family is under much stress and could use all the prayers they can get. I will be going again to see them on Thursday and take them a meal! Hopefully I'll have some better news then.
Good news, Braden gets to go home tomorrow (the 20th)! the doctors say that his leg is still in danger of being lost. They won't know for a couple of months ( I think) whether the skin graft and other procedures really succeeded. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for him and continue to do so.
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My friend's son was injured yesterday while riding with some friends on a Polaris. He was the only one seriously injured, his legs got crushed very badly and one looks really bad. He was care-flighted to Arkansas Children's Hospital last night. His name is Braden and he just turned thirteen. He was my bell ringer in my wedding and very dear to my heart. I would appreciate any prayers on his and his family's behalf.
That's so horrible! We'll be praying for Braden and his family! We missed you guys this weekend. I hope you're mom is doing well. Hopefully we'll talk soon.
What a fun trip we had! Well, even though Luca got sick and we had to postpone our trip, we did get to finally go. We persevered, Yeah! The trip up was not entirely enjoyable because Luca still felt bad and therefore cried for a good bit of it. He was so upset about a third of the way there, we had to stop and give him a break. After 45 minutes of sobbing, we finally found a McD's with playground and that cheered him up for a while. We did get to stop and eat at Lambert's though, and he really enjoyed it as did we. He loved the "throwing of the rolls." Of course, after he saw that he thought it was okay to throw anything at any dinner table for a while. Such a quick sponge he is. Pretty much as soon as we got settled into the hotel he was happy and was great for the rest of the trip. It was such a blessing. Well, we finally got to our hotel around 8:30/9 and after we got all our stuff up to the room, we gave him a bath. John was supposed to undress him and bring him to me. He told Luca to go to mommy, but he instead followed Daddy into the kitchen and peed on the floor. Beasty child. We finally got him bathed and dressed in jammies. John and I decided we were hungry and ordered pizza from his favorite place Imo's. (John's mom is from St. Louis so he has spent much time there growing up.) Luca and I decided to go with him, so needless to say we didn't get to bed until late that night. The next morning we slept thru our free breakfast and when we got up, John called his Aunt Margie and we decided to go spend the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon with her and her husband. We had a great visit and then went to lunch at a nice italian restaurant and spent several hours there visiting. It was really nice to see her. She of course loved Luca. :) Anyway, after that we went to Grant's Farm and we all loved that. We rode the train, saw a show, and went through the petting zoo part, and of course saw the clydesdales. We got Luca a big plush horse to "ride" on at home (something I had been trying to find) and a t-shirt. We went "home" after that and the boys napped. We really loved our hotel room, it's more like an apartment. It had a living area and a full kitchen and dishes and everything which was nice when you have a little one. It also had free internet hookup, which John loved. That night we went to the Galleria and got a few gifts, and got Luca some Cardinal crocs, and had some Ben and Jerry's ice cream, sooo good. Then we drove around for a long time looking at places his grandparents had lived and we bought donuts from an old place his grandpa used to take him when he was little. They were soo good too. I tried Whitecastle since I'd never had it before. The fries and onion rings were pretty good, but I wasn't crazy about the burgers. We really enjoyed just driving around the neighborhoods. The next morning it was raining so we went to the Science Center first (the children's museum didn't open until later. It was okay, there were a few things for Luca there, but not much. He did enjoy the walkway over the interstate. He loves big trucks. After that we went to eat on the "Hill." It's St. Louis' Little italy. I was in my element to say the least. We had a fantastic lunch, then I shopped at two Italian markets, on Italian bread bakery, and one Italian dessert baker. I was soooooooooo happy. I found some wonderful Italian treats I hadn't had in years. Then we went to the zoo, we figured we'd give it a shot and hope for the best. It rained the whole time we were in St. L but we had fun anyway. Anyway the zoo was fun, we spent about 3 hours there which was long enough to ride the train all the way around and see most of what we wanted to. Luca got to "Build-a-Bear." He picked out a black bear. We thought he'd go for a green animal since that's his favorite color, but he wanted no part of them. We went home after that and they napped and I showered. Later we went out and I went to Ann Taylor Loft and then we ordered some takeout from P.F. Changs. John actually ate Chinese! Shocking isn't it! We ordered shrimp dumplings and he got shrimp/chicken fried rice, and I got chicken lo mein in case he didn't like his. He liked all of it. It was great. The next morning we slept very late and packed up and went home. It was sunny gorgeous weather. Like I said we had fun despite the rain though. The ride home went much more smoothly and we arrived home Saturday night. All in all a fantastic first family vacation. (Trips to the grandparents houses don't count as a vacation.)
