I have to go back to Hanover and ask them to let me student teach again. This will easily be one of the most difficult things I've encountered this year... including moving from Madison.
Understandably, emotionally overwhelming. Lots of issues. But this post, which I posted in my other online journal, is important for me to remember.
* * *
Psalm 62: 5-8
5 My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my hope is from Him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be shaken.
7 In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
and my refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
* * *
This isn't eternity.
This is student teaching.
Yes, I failed. Yes, I have to eat it. Yes, I have to beg and plead with a number of people.
But no, I'm not alone.
And this isn't eternity.
Whether I go to heaven or hell will not depend on whether I work in a special education classroom or inside a McDonald's drive thru.
Eternally speaking, this doesn't matter.
If it's what I want and it doesn't interfere with God, then that's fine. If it's even what He wants for me, that's even better.
But if not, it doesn't matter.
All that matters is that no matter where I am, I don't lose Him. I don't lose sight of what's most important.
That's what matters, and that's what I have to remember.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
I don't know how many times this weekend I said I don't know why I'm not living in Madison.
It's such a great place. Great Christian brethren, great scenery, great town...
My friend, who went with me since I currently don't have use of my car for long trips, said he knows why I like Madison as much as I do. He says it's probably because it slows life down and the faith of the brethren there is so palpable... that and it's gorgeous. He's probably right.
As I said, great weekend. First, camping with a group of Christians. Camping involving staying up until 4:15am, when the boys and girls split, and playing on a playground in the middle of the night. At 23, you can imagine how long it's been since I played on a playground for any length of time.
Then it was up at 8:15am, breakfast, and running to Walmart to buy a towel so I could use the showers at the campsite. Awkward, but it was better than being dirty all day. (That sentence only applies when I'm going back to civilization after camping. Usually, I don't care.) Then it was the Chautaqua Festival, with lots and lots of things that made me say "that's beautiful" and a breathtaking view of the Ohio any time I looked up. (Am I starting to sound like a travel brochure?)
Then after quick food, my friend and I went on a hike at Hanover. Which we unfortunately started late. So we found ourselves on top of one of the semi-trecherous waterfalls in the middle of dusk and still needing to get down the creekbed (since we couldn't find the trail) and back up the ravine to the campus. With a flashlight the size of my index finger and no clear sign of the trail. Needless to say, that was an adventure. "That tree?", "Okay, now that tree?" all the way up the cliff to get to pavement. There was a point at which we switched so he and I each had a flash light and a cell phone... just in case. But it was easily the most fun I've ever had in the woods, and I've also never been quite so happy to see either a car or pavement itself.
The next day, church at Madison. I immediately, upon walking in, caught myself thinking, "This smells like home." The singing there is absolutely amazing and just about brings me to tears quite frequently. Then, somehow, in the middle of the drive back to the family's house we stayed in, I realized something. As much as I might want to be in Madison right now, God needs me here. I don't know why, but I just know he does. And it doesn't really matter if I know why, as long as He does.
So after the drive back, we went to a bookstore for quite a while, then church in Bloomington.
Needless to say, I was considerably tired when I got home.
But yes, great weekend. I feel like I squeezed a week into two days, and it was amazing.
I know I said I wouldn't include the person who was a bad influence in this blog anymore, but I decided this part was important. He emailed me again, more desperate and thinking I hated him. I called the Christian I'm supposed to call when that happens, and she allowed one reply. After much prayer, this was my reply:
I don't hate you. We both made mistakes, and some of those mistakes I made within myself and my decision making are mistakes I simply can't repeat. I know I said I'd be there for you, and I'm really sorry I'm not following through with that. I'm just not strong enough to help both of us. Like I told you that day on the phone, I need to focus on God. Period. God can help us through anything as long as we do what He says. And as much as it might be difficult for you if I'm not there, I just can't do what He says when I'm around you. I don't feel like I was the Christian influence I should've been, and I know I wasn't being the Christian I should've been either. Here are two amazing Christian couples who are certainly willing to help you if you need it:
[insert two Christian references]
The church in your town is good. I know a few people there now. They can help you, too. And I'm sure they'd be up for Bible studies. Remember Philippians 4:8-9:
"Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. (9) The things which you have learned and received and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."
Look closely at those verses. And if you have any questions, you can always call those two I mentioned. They love to study the Bible any chance they get.
Again, I'm sorry I can't follow through on what I told you. I won't be able to reply again. I just know I have to follow God. I hope that eventually you choose to do the same. I'll be praying for you.
**If anyone reading this blog ever needs help with anything of this nature, please let me know. It's hard to deal with alone.
I know how hard it is to stay away from someone who isn't good for you...especially if they aren't staying away from you! I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns while still trying to be as decent to the other party as you can, given the circumstances. :-)
Over the weekend, I went to the Whitsitts' for their singing. It was amazing, as usual, and really encouraging. God is the most important thing in my life, no matter what, and it's good to continue to remember that.
When I got home, it was more of the same with my parents. That discouraged me for about a day.
Then I realized that a while ago, I had prayed for humility. I had prayed for something to happen that would allow me to be more humble.
I never specified what that something was.
So really, the increased tension with them could actually be an answer to those prayers. Granted, not always the answer I would've wanted, but an answer nonetheless.
God really does answer all prayers, even if they're not always what we'd want.
Isn't it great how God always takes hold of our tendencies to try to control things and puts them back where He wants them?
You'll notice, if you read this entry before, that it's been edited. That's on purpose, lol.
This entry started with me saying a whole lot of things that were probably too in-depth about issues with someone who shouldn't have even influenced my life in the first place. So in an attempt to remove him from even my thoughts, I'm taking him out of this blog.
I'll just leave this entry with the important parts to remember:
God wanted me here. I don't know how or why, but He did. And I'm here, and that's clearly what He wanted.
I'm here, living in this house, this town, this city. I'm single, and I'm growing closer to Him--or trying.
Me being in this exact place is part of God's plan. It's just a part, and I don't know the end result. I don't have the perspective to see it through right now.
All those other things are superficial. They're things *I* want or things *I* feel I need. They're not God.
I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. I know He has a plan. I know it's so much more amazing than anything I could hope for.
I know He's in control.
So what I need isn't that comfort in the creature. It's comfort in the Creator, the One who made us all and the earth we live on as well. The One who made everything and keeps it in His order. (His order, not mine.)
What I need isn't that comfort I think I need. It's comfort in the Lord. It's letting Him take over.
It's truly waiting on the Lord.
And it's having the humility and the obedience to do what He wants when it's time.
It's time to quit trying to control my life for the Lord.
Have you heard of or read "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul," by John and Stasi Eldredge? I recently read it, and really enjoyed it! (Although, they seemed to think that a woman was God's greatest creation.) It talks a lot about how we think and feel and what we desire, and how we should hand all this stuff over to God and be lost in Him; content with just Him. Hmmm, I can't describe this book well, but I would recommend that you read it! We could read together if you want, and discuss it over email. :)
