 |
| |
|
|
|
Praise be to a merciful Father who loves us all, we'll be coming home on Monday. I. can. not. wait.
I'm going to bed for a week when I get home. I can't wait to love on my dog and snuggle with Poopee the cat.
If only the world will let me sleep and stay in bed for a very long time. LOL Life must go on. I've got kids to teach and a family to feed.
It's been a very long 3 weeks.
Good news is...I'm coming home with lots of fabric. Let's sew! Yippee! |
|
| | hide comments | | | |
|
|
|
I hope you all will keep praying for us, that everyone will behave as mature Christian's, that the fruits of the spirit will be evident, as we divide everything up. It's already getting....well, I'll just leave it at that. Everyone said this family wouldn't fight and I thought to myself, "I've seen it before and it happens all the time". After a death people are in a panic to grab a piece of her or him. I've seen Christians behave very badly in the past. Needless to say, Tim is upset. He's the baby and he's the boy and so far they've done the picking by birth order. So hopefully when they come back in January to finish up, people will be more at peace.
We're still in Grandma's house. Everyone else is gone now. We stayed behind for a day or two so we could grieve in peace and alone. I laid in her bed yesterday and stared at the butterflies on the wall paper for a long time. It's horrible around here without her cheerful presense.
I guess we're leaving tomorrow for St. Louis again. I wanna go home real badly, but our plane tickets say we're supposed to leave on January 5. Sigh.
Who will go with me for coffee when I get home?
Funny to call Florida home. Ha. It's not really, but I'm in an agreeable mood. :)
|
|
| | hide comments | | | |
|
|
|
The funeral was beautiful.
Robbie did an excellent job.
Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you have a beautiful day with your families.
I'm exhausted and ready to come home. I miss my dog and cat and want my own bed.
It's stressful here. |
|
| | hide comments | | | |
|
|
|
Robbie Gabhart is gonna preach at Mom's funeral. My husband and I wouldn't have each other if it weren't for Saundra interfearing (providentially interceding) in my life. LOL How do you spell interfear? enterfear? I'm too lazy to look it up. So it only seems appropriate that Robbie speaks at her funeral, because Billie Joyce prayed for 15 years for Tim to find a Christian wife...then Saundra came along and helped make Mom's prayers finally come true. :) God is cool how He works like that. I grin every time I think about Him setting it all up. LOL
God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me!!!
We tried our hardest to get a Texas natural wildflower look for her flowers covering a casket. Do you know how hard it is to get flowers at Christmas? Everything is red and white. There was hardly anything to order. We went with yellow roses (cause she's our yellow rose of Texas, dontcha know) and mixed in blue flowers for accent and some wheat and heather type stuff so it would look like a natural field found in Texas.
All of Tim's sisters are here with all their kids. Only one grandchild can't make it. You know, Tim and I have been married 15 years almost and this is the first time EVERYONE will be together. Can you believe it?
I'm going down to my sisters house for Christmas day. My brother and two sisters will be there. This will be the first time in a decade we've all been together for Christmas.
It's a family reunion week.
I'm exhausted but blessed and happy. Tim sure is suffering. He cried all day yesterday. Ally is happy the cousins are here and Jonah is withdrawn and not talking to anyone.
That's the state of things here at our house. What's going on over at yours? |
|
| | hide comments | | | |
|
|
|
I can't sleep and got up at 5:30. Everyone else is still asleep so I thought I would come in here and post the event. That's the only bad thing about this family. I married a family of night owls who stay up late and sleep late. I like to go to bed early and get up early.
I was thinking, the 3 most beautiful things I ever experienced all happened in a hospital. One was the birth of my daughter, then the birth of my son, then the death of my mother-in-law.
My sister-in-law and I got there close to 11:00 am. I had printed out a Texas flag picture to hang on her wall so she could see it. I held it up for her and asked her if she wanted to go home and she nodded "yes". I said get better and Tim and I will take you home. :) She was happy to see us, we could see it in her eyes, but she couldn't talk. I looked at her vitals and they were so improved from the previous day. We praised her hard work and strength and told her she was getting better.
I also found her scarf at Jody's house, the one she always covers her big Texas hair with after she gets it done on Tuesdays. I had it around my neck for two whole days, even though orange, yellow, black and grey isn't my color. LOL I showed her I had her scarf on and it was now my lucky scarf. She smiled.
Good job Mama, hang in there. You're getting better. You're beating this pneumonia. They said the antibiotics were helping so we never gave up hope. I think her tiny little body just couldn't work any more. Sunday, I sat in her room for 12 hours crocheting, watching her breathe and I thought all day long, this is too hard on her...she can't keep working like this. I wanted to spend the night with her and everyone said to go home. I will never listen to people again and I will do what I want for the rest of my life. LOL
We kept telling her how much we loved her. She can't talk so I would say, "You love me too don't you"? :) She would barely nod, smile and confirm. I asked her if she was my Naomi still and told her, her Ruth was here. :) We always called each other that...Naomi and Ruth. I'll go where you go Mama. She had tears in her eyes so I got a tissue and was dabbing her eyes and I said, "Don't cry. You're my angel. You're my angel. You're my angel". I told her she was my angel a dozen times it seems...not realizing she was going to be "my angel" in a manner of speaking, in about 10 minutes.
At that point, I didn't know she was dying just yet. We noticed a bunch of tubes were gone, and were thinking she was well enough to have the tubes removed. Jody left to go talk to the nurses. I stayed and held her hand and talked to her some more. I asked her if she was comfortable. I asked her if she was scared. I said don't be scared Mama. Be at peace. Just rest. Don't try to talk to me. When someone came into the room, she would try to talk, but she couldn't and it was such a strain on her. I kept trying to tell her not to talk and now that it's all over I hope she wasn't trying to tell me anything important. :( She was trying so hard to mouth something to me the whole time I was in there. I keep trying to figure out what she was trying to tell me. I keep replaying it over and over in my mind.
Her other daughter Janice called and I told Janice I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone in ICU, but "I was going to hold the phone up to Mom's ear and you tell her you love her real fast and then I'm going to hang up". Mom heard Janice and looked at my eyes and confirmed she heard her Janice one last time.
About two minutes later, she really started to gasp for breath and was wheezing. Not too badly, but just enough to concern me. It was scaring me. She kept mouthing something to me and I kept asking her questions trying to guess what was wrong with her. About that time she stopped looking at me and I was getting upset. Look at me! Look at me. She was staring at the far left corner of the room and just zoned out. She wouldn't move her gaze or squeeze my hand any more. She had tears coming out of her eyes and I blotted them again. I told her to be at peace and to please don't cry. I'm so ignorant about these things, I still didn't know she was dying.
Her blood pressure dropped dramatically so I ran out and told Jody I thought something was wrong. The nurses came in and Mom wouldn't respond to them either. The nurses said, this doesn't look good, you better call your family. Jody ran out to call people and I ran to Mama. I told her to BREATHE AND HANG ON, TIMMY IS COMING. JONAH IS COMING. ALLYSON IS COMING (they were on their way). She completely ignored me and stayed focused on that spot on the wall. BREATHE. No, don't go yet. Wait for Timmy.
I'm watching her vitals and they are getting lower, lower, lower. I'm kissing her hand and crying, begging her to wait, please, please wait for Timmy (my husband, her only boy...her baby...he's a mama'a boy). Jody comes back in and we're both loving on her and telling her we love her, sobbing like babies. Telling her we loved her but begging her to stay at the same time.
In the middle of it, I realized I was on her side with her eyes still open so I told Jody to switch sides with me so her face would be the last thing she sees and not me, because after all, I'm just her daughter-in-law...she needed to see her Jody when she left. Doing a Chinese fire drill around an ICU bed and a dying patient probably looked funny.
It's really strange the things that go through your mind when someone is dying. I think one of the things I said was "take me with you", which of course now I'm glad she didn't. LOL But at the time I was so upset she was leaving me and I didn't want to be left in this world without her and she was going to meet God and I wanted to be with him too. Another thing I said was "I'm not ready", meaning I'm not ready for you to go. At the end, Jody was telling her how much she loved her and all I could think about was ME....I'm not ready to let go. I wish I hadn't cried so much at the end. It hurt real bad and it was the only thing I'm good at...crying. LOL Jody was much more peaceful about the whole thing than I was, but I am proud of myself for not freaking out, which is my usual coping mechanisim.
I'm watching her take her last breaths...her chest going up and down very slowly. All this time she had her eyes open. She finally closed them and I quietly whispered a scream, "Jody she closed her eyes!!!!!". It seemed as long as she had her eyes open, there was a chance, right? As soon as she closed her eyes, it became real...she was really going.
All the nurses and a sweet chaplin (sp?) were saying Psalm 23 and Jody and I said it along with them. At first I was begging God to let her live a few more minutes so Timmy and the kids could see her and say good bye, and then this overwhelming spirit of gratitude flooded me and I was sobbing with praises of thanksgiving...thank you so much God for bringing this beautiful woman into my life, showing me how to be gracious and kind, no matter how bad life gets. She was always joyful and a lot of fun. No matter how horrible life was, she still had a smile on her face and was hospitable and happy. Prayers wouldn't come, because I couldn't think of anything "articulate" to pray for, but I just kept saying thank you, thank you, thank you God.
I turned around to check her vitals and everything was flat. It was over. She went very quickly...about 4 or 5 minutes and didn't suffer. I'm so glad for that.
We found out later she had pulled out a lot of her own tubes during the night. She was done. She had had enough. I think she was waiting for us to get there. I just praise God she didn't have to die alone. That we were with her as she left this earth to meet her King.
I'm so thankful to God I was with her. Finding closure in death is very hard for me. My dad died 15 years ago and I'm still not over it. The nurses were so gracious and compassionate. They left her body in there for awhile until all the family came to say good bye to her body. No one ever told us to get out. The day before, Jody and I had taken those awful socks and boots off her feet and messaged her feet with some yummy lotion. She loved it and said she was tired after we were done. Yesterday, I pulled the sheets up to get one last look at her pretty little pedicured toes (my husband and son have her same feet too, minus the pedicured toes), I kissed her feet and she still smelled like that lotion and I started crying all over again.
I loved her. I thanked God everyday for my husband and mother-in-law (and all my husband's family). Growing up with abuse and crazy people, and marrying into a normal, loving HAPPY family was the most merciful, kindest thing God has ever done for me. I'll praise Him for the rest of my life for giving me the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED, from such a wonderful mother for 15 years.
Not every one in my family was mean and crazy, but there were enough of them to do some serious damage to my young soul and I thank God everyday for my redemption and for taking care of me and the healing He provides. I think my marriage has been the most important avenue of healing the Lord provided for me. He knew I needed a "Billie Joyce" in my life to love me (and a Tim, God love him).
Whew. I'm exhausted. Thanks for listening. I've been dying to type this out so I wouldn't forget the details, which I seem to already be doing. I keep trying to remember everything and I guess my brain has just had enough. Plus, I know some of you know Billie Joyce and would like to know she went peacefully and didn't suffer.
I know she was a sinner, because we're all sinners...but honestly, I don't remember ever seeing her sin, or hearing a sinful thought. She was so righteous and sweet. Everyone loved her. She didn't have an enemy in the world. She was just soooooooooooo GOOD. I hope I age as gracefully as her and I hope when I die, people love me as much as everyone loves her. She impacted so many lives just by loving people. It was that simple. She loved.
I'm going to miss her terribly. There is going to be this big hole in our lives. She can't be replaced.
If you know Janice Tellinghuisen or Ginger Moenster, this was their mother too.
I love you all.
Be at peace. Merry Christmas.
|
|
| | hide comments | | | |
|
|
